The Story of Moses

Most of us have seen at least on one occasion Cecil B. DeMille’s epic movie “The 10 Commandments” starring Charlton Heston as Moses and Yul Brenner as Pharaoh where it depicts the Hebrew son of Pharaoh and his many grand and dignified dealings as he becomes a prophet and frees the people of Israel from their bondage in Egypt. 


The story of Moses and the 10 commandments was always one of my favorite bible stories as a young Christian – inspirational, motivating to obey god’s commandments, moving in the dramatic way god showed his power to his children and their enemies. The story cemented a feeling of religious affinity with the Jewish faith, and today it remains at the top of my list for other reasons altogether, but at the top nonetheless.


Frankly, I justified not reading the book of Exodus in the bible for years as a young devout Christian because I figured between the many stories told to me by Sunday School teachers and the cinematographic masterpiece by Cecil B. DeMille, I knew how it went down with excellent pictures to reinforce it to boot.  After all, Cecil B. DeMille would have to adhere to what is contained in the holy book right.


It was several years later in my efforts to study religion that I actually read the book of Exodus and the lord’s word in his holy bible strait from the horses … mouth. I was able to understand many things that made me ask my harsh (and to some vulgar) question which is the running theme of my writing.


The Children of Israel, descendents from Joseph - you know the Technicolor coat dude that was sold by his brothers - moved to Egypt after Joseph dies which is another story in itself. Now they are a prolific bunch that started out as 70 souls as indicated in Exodus 1:5 and grew into quite a bunch – so much so that the Egyptians started seeing them as a potential threat.   With Joseph out of the picture and all his brothers dead and gone, the new king of Egypt starts thinking that if the Israelites were to organize; they could join with Egypt’s enemies and be a force to contend with.  To ensure this does not happen, the Egyptian king decides to make them slaves which he does and the Egyptians keep the Israelites under control for about 400 years this way.  Not the most politically correct approach but effective and not surprising from the same people that brought us the modern day suicide bomber.


The Egyptians were tough taskmasters and apparently oppression is like Viagra to the Israelites because the greater the abuse, the more they reproduced.  This became alarming to the King of Egypt who saw that the Israelites now outnumber the Egyptians so he resorts to some covert activity.  The king calls in the Israelite midwives and tells them that they are to kill any male babies they deliver and let any female babies live. The midwives being in the business of bringing life into the world and not taking it out, don’t do what the king asks them to do. When he asks what the hell? They say that Jewish women are not as prissy as your women, they deliver with or with out midwives. (Ex 1:19) And so, the Israelites continue to multiply and “wax strong”.  As for the midwives, god is pleased with them because they “fear” him so he figures what the hell, Ill kick ‘em down a house so they can come in out of the weather when they aren’t out harvesting all those babies. 



And it came to pass, because the midwives feared God, that he made them houses.


Pharaoh on the other hand is pretty pissed off because the Jews just keep multiplying so he officially opens season on any male Jewish babies, instructing all Egyptian citizens to throw any male Jewish babies in the river.  And we wonder why there is bad blood to this day?  However, it gets better, let’s go on.


In Chapter 2 a man (anonymous) from the house of Levi (the dude not the jeans) marries a daughter of Levi and she has a son.  Seeing he was a “goodly child”, she hid him from the Egyptians for 3 months - as opposed to the un-goodly ones that just were tossed in the river by their mother to save the Egyptians the trouble I am sure.  But after a while his colic and the dust just made him cry too much and he was a tough kid to hide so his mother makes a mini boat out of reeds, slime and pitch.  Mom puts baby in the mini craft and sets him afloat on the river where the Pharaoh’s daughter was bathing.  Pharaoh’s daughter sees the micro-refugee and sends her maid to fetch him out of the water.  She sees the baby laying there all cute in a sailor outfit crying in his little home made boat and she says “oh how cute, I think ill keep him, but he is a Jew”.  Now the baby’s sister was watching to see what happened to her little castaway brother and she says to Pharaoh’s daughter “you want me to fetch a Jewish nurse for that baby you found?” Pharaoh’s daughter says yes, the sister goes and gets – you guessed it – her mom, and the Pharaoh’s daughter tells her to raise her new found baby and she will pay her wages to do it.  Now mom made out like a bandit! she saves junior from being thrown in the river and she gets a royal godmother for her kid and gets paid to raise her own kid for the Pharaoh’s daughter who thinks she just randomly found this baby.  It’s a perfect scam.


Once the child grew, his mom having “nursed” him took him to Pharaoh’s daughter and she took him as her son and called him Moses because she “drew him from the water”. Actually, Moses in Hebrew means to draw out and in Egyptian, it means to beget a child so with that understanding the verse somewhat makes sense.


Moses grows up as Pharaoh’s grandson and during the construction of one of the cities where the Hebrew labor was employed; he catches an Egyptian mistreating a Hebrew slave.  Moses gets hot under the collar, looks around to see that no one is watching and he kills the guy and buries him in the sand.  Now, I don’t think killing a guy and burying him in the sand is Kosher even when he is mistreating a Jewish slave, but apparently it’s ok in god’s book because it was an Egyptian guy.  Pharaoh finds out that Mosses killed one of his people and Moses gets the hell out of Dodge because Pharaoh is going to kill him now.  Moses gets to a place called Midian where he is sitting by a well when the daughters of the local priest come by to water their flock.  The local shepherds figure they can bully a bunch of girls out of their way so their sheep can drink first but they didn’t count on Moses jumping in and whooping their ass and letting the girls water their sheep.  This is how Moses meets his soon to be father in law, marries one of the shepherd girls and starts a little shepherd family and has a son named Gershom. (Ex. 2)



And it came to pass in process of time, that the king of Egypt died: and the children of Israel sighed by reason of the bondage, and they cried, and their cry came up unto God by reason of the bondage.


And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob.


Moses was enjoying the simple life watching Jethro’s sheep and as he was herding them around, he came to a mountain known as the mountain of god and an angel appeared to him in a pillar of fire that came out of this burning bush.  Oddly, to Moses and anyone else the bush never actually burned, it just shot this talking flame pillar out of it.  Like any inquisitive human being Moses wants to see what’s up with this botanical spot light so he goes over to check it out when he is stopped in his tracks by the voice coming from the flaming phenomena.  “Moses!” “Yes, burning shrub… sir… your combustibleness” “Stop right there, come no closer and remove your shoes for you are on holy dirt and your sandals are less acceptable than your dirty chapped feet.”  So, the bush proceeds to tell Moses that he is the god of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob at which point Moses hides his face which pleases the bushy god that likes to be feared, but in actuality he turned his head saying I can’t believe I’m talking to a brushfire! 


The bush goes on to tell Moses that being all knowing and all, he has heard the cries of the Israelites and their woes in captivity.  Apparently, he was working out the details with Cherubim and his flaming sword about what to do with Eden for the past 400 years and just barely got around to doing something about the human rights violations in Egypt. He tells Moses that he wants him to go to Egypt and tell the Pharaoh to let his people go free.



Come now therefore, and I will send thee unto Pharaoh, that thou mayest bring forth my people the children of Israel out of Egypt.


And Moses said unto God, Who am I, that I should go unto Pharaoh, and that I should bring forth the children of Israel out of Egypt?



Moses never got a strait answer from the bush about who he was to be freeing slaves, but the bush did say that he (god) would be with Moses during this sizeable undertaking.  Moses thinking ahead a bit asks the godly bush “and when I go to the Israelites and tell them that god sent me to free them, they might say ‘oh yeah and what’s gods name’? What do I tell them then?” And the flame throwing bush replied, “You will tell them I AM THAT I AM” which of course would make perfect sense to anyone with such an inquiry. “Tell them I AM sent you unto them” which I’m sure put Moses completely at ease.



And they shall hearken to thy voice: and thou shalt come, thou and the elders of Israel, unto the king of Egypt, and ye shall say unto him, The LORD God of the Hebrews hath met with us: and now let us go, we beseech thee, three days' journey into the wilderness, that we may sacrifice to the LORD our God.


Now the bush god of fire goes on to say that the Egyptians aren’t exactly going to go along with the whole plan but not to worry because he will stretch out his hand and smite the crap out of them and they will come around.  Obviously Moses is a bit reluctant to go marching into Egypt claiming god sent him to free the Israelites and tell Pharaoh that he better surrender or be smitten.


(Ex 4)


And Moses answered and said, But, behold, they will not believe me, nor hearken unto my voice: for they will say, The LORD hath not appeared unto thee.


To which the bush asks Moses what he has in his hand and Moses says “my shepherd staff”.  The god bush tells Moses to throw it on the ground, which he does, and the damn stick turns into a snake. Of course, Moses runs the other way because well, his staff is now a snake and he does not want the damn thing to start talking too and get him to eat some forbidden cactus or something because as we know, snakes do that when they aren’t bruising heels.  Seeing that Moses is leaving a trail of dust between him and the snake, god says whoa boy, just pick it up by the tail, which he does reluctantly, and viola! It becomes his staff again.  Now god says “put your hand in your bosom” and Moses is very reluctant after the snake trick, but he puts his hand under his robe and pulls it back out to see it is white with leprosy! Knowing that Moses is going to freak out, god preempts with “now put it back again and take it out.” Having nothing to lose but his already rotten hand, Moses does as instructed and his hand is back to normal.  So, god says:



And it shall come to pass, if they will not believe thee, neither hearken to the voice of the first sign, that they will believe the voice of the latter sign.


And it shall come to pass, if they will not believe also these two signs, neither hearken unto thy voice, that thou shalt take of the water of the river, and pour it upon the dry land: and the water which thou takest out of the river shall become blood upon the dry land.


Moses quickly responds by saying “yeah, I’m cool, lets not practice the blood thing though - I trust you on it.” still really freaked out by the whole snake and leprosy tricks – I mean signs.


As Moses recovers from the traumatic episode, he says to god, “I am not much of a speaker, in fact, I really suck at communication, public speaking and such since I tend to stutter when I get nervous. Couldn’t you get someone else to do the talking and just let me carry the snake stick?”   And god says “who the hell do you think made your mouth and everything else for that matter? Don’t worry about it; I will guide you in what to say.”  Moses is still reluctant though, surely he was remembering the years of ridicule and taunting due to his impediment, and he tries again – Lord, I am begging you here, cant we just… and god starts to get pissed off.  “Alright already! Isn’t that Aaron guy your brother? He can talk for you then. He will be your spokesperson and will act in the place of your mouth and you will be my representative and be in my place to him.  Now go meet up with him and let’s get this show on the road”


Moses packs up his wife and kids and moves back to Egypt.



And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go.


Here we see another case of god setting his children up to fail. He gives Moses these nifty yet somewhat twisted signs to freak out the Egyptians with and then tells Moses that he is going to harden the Pharaoh’s heart so he will not listen to him anyway.  Why is he so hell bent on screwing with the Egyptians? Not our heavenly father, he can’t have people not fear him, so he hardens Pharaoh’s heart so all the Egyptians get their ass kicked?  Aren’t the Egyptians part of this god’s creation too and therefore his children as well? But this jerk is going to make sure there is reason to deal out the smite because after all, he is the almighty smiter.


This god goes on to tell Moses that he needs to confront Pharaoh and tell him that Israel is god’s first born and if he doesn’t let them go, god will kill Pharaoh’s first born. However, god will harden his heart so one way or another there will be blood running in Egypt.


Verses 24-26 go on about how Moses’ wife takes a sharp stone and circumcises their kid and throws his foreskin on the ground and who the hell cares what else because it’s just wrong.  Someone should trim her un-shmekl with a sharp rock, throw it at her feet, and see how she likes it. But I’m a guy and a bit overly sensitive to sharp rocks anywhere near the Johnson.  Frankly, I am not sure what god wanted to tell his children with those verses of holy script, but there it is.


The lord tells Aaron to meet up with Moses and he does.



And the LORD said to Aaron, Go into the wilderness to meet Moses. And he went, and met him in the mount of God, and kissed him.


I am unclear what all the born-again hate towards homosexuals is all about these days. Apparently, it was no big deal back in Moses and Aaron’s day.


After their little interlude, Moses tells Aaron all about his conversation with the brushfire and the signs, and they go to the elders of Israel to show them the twisted holy parlor tricks to convince them that they indeed spoke with god and they are there to set them free.  The Israelites are excited at this point and decide that now is a good time to bow their heads and worship - So they did.


The next morning, Moses and Aaron go see the King and tell him that the god of the Hebrews has commanded them to go into the wilderness and make sacrifices to him for 3 days, so they are going to need a few days off work. (Gen 5:1) That went over like a lead balloon and the Pharaoh asks why he should stop construction for 3 days for a god he knows nothing about. Now this is a legitimate question regardless of the morality of the relationship between the Israelites and their masters.  The Egyptians honestly knew nothing of this god, because by his own word he was the god of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. How would the Egyptians know him? And why would he punish them for something he being all omni-whatever did a shitty job of disseminating?


Bothered by the incessant threats and sudden impudence of Moses and Aaron, the Pharaoh says “ok, not only are you not getting a 3 day weekend, but now you have to provide your own damn straw and still keep production at the current level! – are you still here?”  Or something roughly to that effect.  With that, the slave drivers passed on the word that no straw would be delivered for brick making, and since the Israelites were not able to keep up, they got the crap beat out of them.  At this point, the Israelites are looking for Moses to see what the hell he was thinking by pissing off the Pharaoh so completely.  Understandably, Moses is perplexed as he goes back to chat with god and he asks why god sent him if he was just pissing off the king. (Gen 5 2-23) The first question any normal person would ask god is why didn’t you SOFTEN his heart instead of HARDEN it and save him, you and us some grief? Surely omnipotence allows for it to be as easy to soften as harden or why not just leave his heart the hell alone and let Pharaoh work through his own emotions.  Of course, the almighty god of vengeance, fire and brimstone has a reputation to keep up and that would be too easy and make for poor biblical drama – and who wants to read that? No, not the god of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob because he needs to prove a point and since he isn’t the god of  Pharaoh or Egyptians in general, what the hell, a convenient sacrificial example of biblical proportions is brewing in his smiting mind.


(Gen 6)


So god says to Moses that he will show the Egyptians who is boss, and by the way…



And God spake unto Moses, and said unto him, I am the LORD:


And I appeared unto Abraham, unto Isaac, and unto Jacob, by the name of God Almighty, but by my name JEHOVAH was I not known to them.


Just to keep people guessing and true to form, god not only changes prophet’s names, but he decides to change his own as well.  So, we have Israelites being beaten into kifte (Jewish meatballs) because Moses pissed off the Pharaoh whose heart was hardened by god to ensure Pharaoh was pissed off when Moses told him what god told him to say in the first place. It is safe to assume that there is a considerable human rights crisis ensuing in Egypt at about this point, and this egocentric puppeteer decides to change his name and announce this event at this less than opportune time - why?


The discussion continues with god telling Moses “I am the lord” three more times in three verses just in case he forgot in the last 2 to 3 minutes, and he tells Moses to go back and tell the Israelites that Jehovah, a.k.a. almighty god a.k.a. I Am, or one of the gods or one of his personas – whatever – was going to honor this covenant between Abraham and Jacob and they would be freed and taken to a promised land.  (Gen 6: 6-8)


Under the circumstances, Moses was lucky he wasn’t run out on a stick, but the children of Israel were less than enthusiastic about his announcement being that they were kind of busy having the shit beat out of them from the last hair brained encounter Moses had with Pharaoh in god’s name. (Gen 5:9)


Unfazed by the obvious reaction of the Jews, god tells Moses to … you guessed it…


Go in, speak unto Pharaoh king of Egypt, that he let the children of Israel go out of his land.


Moses is still in some political hot water with his Israelite constituents over the last fiasco so he asks god…


 Behold, the children of Israel have not hearkened unto me; how then shall Pharaoh hear me, who am of uncircumcised lips?


First of all, this whole circumcision thing is out of control, and this god and company have an unhealthy infatuation with the concept of trimming very sensitive organs with sharp rocks - which in itself is a disturbing thing to incorporate in a “holy guide book to salvation.”


The lord says to Moses and Aaron that they should get all Israel together as an army divided into houses or tribes. He goes on to list out every single one of them and who will be the head honcho of this tribe and who will lead this house and that house for another 13 verses (Gen 6:13-26)



And it came to pass on the day when the LORD spake unto Moses in the land of Egypt,


That the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, I am the LORD: speak thou unto Pharaoh king of Egypt all that I say unto thee.


Being the polite god he is, he clarified once again for Moses throwing in “I am the Lord” just in case Moses wasn’t sure if it was god or just the bush talking to him this time.



And Moses said before the LORD, Behold, I am of uncircumcised lips, and how shall Pharaoh hearken unto me?


What the hell with circumcising lips?! …

I got nothin’


Genesis Chapter 7



And the LORD said unto Moses, See, I have made thee a god to Pharaoh: and Aaron thy brother shall be thy prophet.


Thou shalt speak all that I command thee: and Aaron thy brother shall speak unto Pharaoh, that he send the children of Israel out of his land.


As we can see, the Egyptians do not deserve a real god; they get a prophet for their god because this bible god dude is the god of Abraham, Isaac and Joseph and that has him excessively busy and just not able to attend to the needs of Egyptians at the time.  So, being the loving kind of guy he is, he kicks them down a prophet for a god which should be ample for the lowly Egyptian heathen bastards anyway.



And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and multiply my signs and my wonders in the land of Egypt.


My dear friends and readers, you know it has been way too long and many a biblical stupidity have escaped unscathed by the vulgarity of my incredulous inquiry to this point; but the crap is deep, and the words are bursting from the bottom of my soul like a prayer…


What the f*#k?!


Did he just say “I’m going to harden Pharaohs heart so I can grandstand my omni-arrogant magic show to prove to a guy who I don’t really care enough about to be his god, that I am a kick ass S.O.B. to be feared” at the expense of the entire Egyptian population? 



And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and multiply my signs and my wonders in the land of Egypt.


Yep, that is what he just said.



But Pharaoh shall not hearken unto you, that I may lay my hand upon Egypt, and bring forth mine armies, and my people the children of Israel, out of the land of Egypt by great judgments.


And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD, when I stretch forth mine hand upon Egypt, and bring out the children of Israel from among them.


As we can appreciate from the literal biblical holy text, god will harden Pharaoh’s heart so he does not listen to Moses and Aaron. Now god can smite, or ‘lay his hand’ on the Egyptians and raise a Jewish army out of Egypt by his all-smite-iness so that the Egyptians shall know that he is the man, the dude, the almighty-smiter-in-chief of the Jewish armies.


So, imagine the Pharaoh’s confusion.  Hell, I am confused, and I am not dealing with god-induced hardening of the arteries, prophets that are promoted to god sent by a god I don’t know, who wants to kick my ass for not knowing him, so that I know him, and that he is god after all. Huh? And where does this leave Moses supposed god of Egypt?  Isn’t that just a godly mind trip all around? Even Moses is wondering what the hell, thinking he was promoted to god and Aaron to prophet, but now ‘Sam I Am of the holy bush’ is saying he IS the Lord and he is going to prove it.


It seems Egyptians are not descendents of Adam and Eve because the Bible god clearly created those two and their progeny but apparently not the Egyptians since he is not their god – he is the god of Abraham, Tevye and Yentl or whatever.  If I was Egyptian or a descendent thereof, I would be reluctant at best to acknowledge, much less worship a god that very clearly states he is not my god.  I would be looking for a god that was a) less anxious to whoop my ass, b) more anxious to claim it, c) smart enough to let the bushes talk to me directly and skip the middle man with dick lips.


Well, back to the story…


Aaron and Moses go to Pharaoh and of course present their credentials as emissaries of the god that’s going to kick his ass.   Pharaoh asks for a sign which god in his omnipotence had foreseen and had previously rehearsed with Moses and Aaron.  Moses told Aaron to throw down the snake stick and it did as expected, it turned into a serpent.  But god’s omnipotence did not foresee (or he kept Moses in the dark about it anyway) the fact that Pharaoh’s magicians happened to know the serpent in the stick trick and they did it too. Now we have a bunch of serpents slithering around the palace floor, but not be out done, god has Aarons snake eat all the other snakes.  OK, so he wins the battle, but you have to admit, for not being gods or prophets, the Pharaoh’s magicians did quite well with the snake trick. But god isn’t through grandstanding so…



And he hardened Pharaoh's heart, that he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had said.


Now that god has really hardened Pharaoh’s heart, he tells Moses to go back and tell Pharaoh that because he didn’t listen to him last time with the snakes and all, now he will put the snake stick in the river and turn all the water in Egypt into blood. So, Moses and Aaron go back and do just that. Well, of course Pharaoh doesn’t listen because god doesn’t want him to after going to all the trouble of hardening his heart so he won’t.  Aaron puts the magic stick in the water and all the water in Egypt turns to blood.



And the fish that was in the river died; and the river stank, and the Egyptians could not drink of the water of the river; and there was blood throughout all the land of Egypt.


What the bible does not explain is what happens to all this stinky blood and dead fish when it flows out of Egypt into say the ocean or wherever the hell had the misfortune of being down stream from Egypt.  Apparently, he was not their god either because that is just plain un-neighborly.  The bible cannot be too literal or the editors are covering something up because lets face it, we all know the rivers had alligators, turtles, otters, muskrats and all kinds of wildlife that live in it or depend on it for food.  What the hell did all those poor little critters and fish do to the almighty smiter to get smitten along with the Egyptians? What loving creator asphyxiates every one of his little fishy creations in the entire country in a curdling mass of coagulated stinking blood just to be dramatic and put on a show for a Pharaoh? What an ...


Genesis Chapter 8



And the LORD spake unto Moses, Go unto Pharaoh, and say unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Let my people go, that they may serve me.


And if thou refuse to let them go, behold, I will smite all thy borders with frogs:


So, Moses tells Pharaoh who of course doesn’t listen and Moses has Aaron break out the dreaded stick and he has frogs invade the land. There were frogs everywhere and in everything.


Finally Pharaoh gets fed up and says “OK already, tell your god to take back the frogs, this is past a joke, I will let you have your 3 day holiday to worship.” Moses is obviously delighted, he tells the frogs to stay in the rivers, all the frogs on the land god caused to die, they were piled up all across Egypt, and they stank.


Why god had to again assassinate innumerable innocent frogs just to prove how tough he is rather than just send them back to wherever the hell he brought them from initially is beyond me.  But who am I to question the infallibility of the holy bible?


Once the frogs were back under control Pharaoh reconsiders his position and says “sorry, I changed my mind, my heart fells oddly hardened and you cant go sacrificing for 3 days after all.”


Next on the agenda of smite is the lice trick. Moses is told to tell Pharaoh to let his people go or Moses will have the dust turned into lice. Of course Pharaoh does not budge and lice are everywhere on every living thing which had to be very itchy. Then god tells Moses to tell Pharaoh that he will infest the place with flies which he does as well and again Pharaoh gives in and says “enough already – you can go kill and burn your sacrifice to your god, it is obviously very important to him”  Moses not to be fooled again says something like “cross your heart”?  because last time Pharaoh changed his mind at the last minute. Pharaoh said “cross my heart” and Moses made all the flies go away.  But Pharaoh had his fingers crossed and his heart was already hardened by god so he backed out once again.



And Pharaoh hardened his heart at this time also, neither would he let the people go.


Genesis Chapter 9


Moses is told again to go to Pharaoh and tell him that this time, if he doesn’t let his people go, the lord will take out his wrath on the domestic livestock of the land – Egyptian only of course because the Jewish livestock will be saved by his almighty hand or whatever.  The lord gives a 24-hour ultimatum that goes unheeded and delivers his next round of awe-inspiring death and destruction to prove his point.



And the LORD did that thing on the morrow, and all the cattle of Egypt died: but of the cattle of the children of Israel died not one.


And Pharaoh sent, and, behold, there was not one of the cattle of the Israelites dead. And the heart of Pharaoh was hardened, and he did not let the people go.


Of course!


At this point god is just getting warmed up with the smiting, so he sends Moses back to Pharaoh with some ashes that he is to throw in the air and …



it shall become small dust in all the land of Egypt, and shall be a boil breaking forth with blains upon man, and upon beast, throughout all the land of Egypt.


The bible dictionary is kind enough to shed light on what the hell boils with blains is and I have to hand it to the god of Abraham, Isaac and Joseph, he is one creative – sadistic but creative – deity figure.


Blains is called “the blotch of Egypt” it seems to have been the fearful disease of black leprosy, a kind of elephantitis, producing burning ulcers. Just the perfect affliction for getting ones point of almightiness across to the unbelieving or the Egyptian as the case may be.


So, our loving bible god hardens Pharaohs heart so he won’t comply so he can infest the bodies of every Egyptian and their cattle with black leprosy and burning sores which he seems to think will really get their attention – and I’m sure it would if he would stop hardening Pharaoh’s heart.  But that would be ungodly and show weakness. That would promote reasoning, understanding, communication and not fear, vengeance and almightiness – so that just will not do at all. What we don’t know is where the cattle came from if god killed them all with the previous plague, but then that would be logical and we cant start thinking like that at this point in our spiritual journey now can we?


Frankly, it is getting difficult to tell this story my friends and if I were not reading it strait out of the King James Version of the holy text, I would not believe it. And since I am reading it strait out of the King James Version, I do not believe it.


For whatever its worth and no longer to anyone’s surprise …



And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh, and he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had spoken unto Moses.


Yes, ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters, this god dude does it yet again to prove his twisted little point.


The next day Moses and his toady thug go back to Pharaoh after being instructed to address Pharaoh as follows:



For I will at this time send all my plagues upon thine heart, and upon thy servants, and upon thy people; that thou mayest know that there is none like me in all the earth. 


All I can say to that is thank… him that is the case. Imagine two gods spreading their version of loving guidance across Egypt.



For now I will stretch out my hand, that I may smite thee and thy people with pestilence; and thou shalt be cut off from the earth.


Because somehow killing everything around them that they depend on for survival hasn’t been enough being that HE is the one keeping Pharaohs heart hardened.



And in very deed for this cause have I raised thee up, for to show in thee my power; and that my name may be declared throughout all the earth.


If the bible is the literal word of god, here in this verse god does a wonderful job at being honest about his motives for all his manipulative destruction.  Being relatively new at the god thing, he had not come to terms with his ego at this point in his career and was brazen enough to publish that fact in black and white proclaiming to the world his need to show power and have his name declared throughout all the earth.  This proclamation of intent is reminiscent of a few subsequent characters in history with names like Hitler, Stalin, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, etc. But these comparatively small-fry wannabe’s were on a far smaller scale than super god of the bible.


To prove his point, god has Moses raise his snake stick and he sends hail mixed with fire that destroyed or killed all the crops, cattle or people that didn’t take cover.  Again we scratch our heads wondering how there were cattle or crops left from the previous rounds of smite where all the cattle and crops were destroyed but again, we keep regressing to logic. My apologies.



And the hail smote throughout all the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast; and the hail smote every herb of the field, and brake every tree of the field.


Only in the land of Goshen, where the children of Israel were, was there no hail.


And Pharaoh sent, and called for Moses and Aaron, and said unto them, I have sinned this time: the LORD is righteous, and I and my people are wicked.


By this time, it is safe to assume that Pharaoh is wondering himself why his heart is so hard. If I was Pharaoh and found out that I just got my entire nation’s ass divinely smitten several fold because some god dude that isn’t even my god by his own admission played me like his clay puppet, I would have a real hard heart right about at that point.  In fact, Id be down right pissed and ready to have some words with this deity that doesn’t follow any rules of civility, morality or kindness. But Pharaoh agrees to let the Israelites go. Once Moses is outside of town, he raises his snake stick and stops the hail.

Pharaoh just gets pissed – and rightfully so if I say so myself – and he has the Israelites rounded back up and again fails to comply with god and Moses’ reasonable request. Who actually does all this is a mystery since everyone in Egypt is ailing with the black boil shit and starvation, but again we digress to logic.


Genesis Chapter 10



And the LORD said unto Moses, Go in unto Pharaoh: for I have hardened his heart, and the heart of his servants, that I might show these my signs before him:


The lord is off to his usual start getting Moses and company all riled up in their righteous cause of sign making by continuing to harden the Pharaoh’s now tachycardic heart even more.


This time the dynamic duo go to Pharaoh with promises of locusts which they deliver in true godly fashion that proceed to consume whatever vegetation the hail didn’t thrash or burn.  Before they unleash the locusts, the magicians are done with Moses and they try to get Pharaoh to listen to reason and just let the damn Jews go. But this chapter started with god hardening Pharaoh’s heart again and what mortal can contend with the will of god - Right?  So let the smiting commence – again.



For they covered the face of the whole earth, so that the land was darkened; and they did eat every herb of the land, and all the fruit of the trees which the hail had left: and there remained not any green thing in the trees, or in the herbs of the field, through all the land of Egypt.


Again reality begins overriding the heart hardening spell that was cast on Pharaoh by god and he says holy shit, just leave but take the damn locusts with you. Go, for the love of whatever god sends plagues like these, go.



And the LORD turned a mighty strong west wind, which took away the locusts, and cast them into the Red sea; there remained not one locust in all the coasts of Egypt.


This verse reiterates how important destruction is to godliness and instilling the fear of god in ones less godly subjects.  When reversing a very deadly and “grievous” spell or plague, make sure to destroy your tools of destruction for added effect.  It just doesn’t give the same message if you merely send the locusts back to wherever they were happily being locusts.  Hell no, it makes a lot better impact if you drown every one of them in the red sea – after all they did commit the sin of gluttony and we cant have that shit flying around unpunished either now can we.



But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go.


Are we seeing a very disturbing, sadistic and sick pattern here yet?



And the LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand toward heaven, that there may be darkness over the land of Egypt, even darkness which may be felt.


And of course we get three days of pitch darkness where you couldn’t see the light of Alexandria if it were lit next door. But the Israelites “had light in their dwellings” as one would expect.


Pharaoh, reeling with the blow of reality shaking ever so slightly the divine incantation on his heart, says “OK, ok – you can go – take your people and your children just leave your livestock (surely hoping they would jump at the chance and leave a few living specimens as breeding stock to replenish the now extinct Egyptian herds.)  Moses, not one to give an inch in his godly infused self assuredness says “no way José, we don’t know what the lord will want us to chop up, bleed out and burn as holy sacrifices to his omni-whateverness so the livestock goes with me.”


Now a reasonable human being won’t believe what happens next, but just to show that god has a sense of humor – a sick and twisted one but a sense of humor none the less…



But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, and he would not let them go.


Pharaoh tells Moses to get out of his face because the next time he sees Moses, Moses is a dead man.  Frankly, Pharaoh showed great restraint and compassion by not killing Moses and the rest of his clan some time ago. However, they did have this nasty tempered very capricious and sadistic deity on their side so that will always be a historical conundrum.


Genesis Chapter 11


Moses is told again by god – no documentation whether in burning bush form or otherwise – that he will give one last warning that of course will not be heeded and consequently one final smite of smites, the mother of all pestilence, the ultimate smite to show everyone that gods the man.



And all the firstborn in the land of Egypt shall die, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sitteth upon his throne, even unto the firstborn of the maidservant that is behind the mill; and all the firstborn of beasts.


My only question here is why does this god take shit that he provokes out on innocent beings?  You know I have to ask… What the holy f*#k?!  Why does an alleged father in heaven, a creator, an almighty god, an omni-whatever deity feel the need to inflict such horrendous and unimaginable pain and suffering on people that have no say whatsoever in the matter he is taking issue with? Even the Pharaoh, whose sin was that of a hard heart, was given the affliction in the first place by the very god that supposedly wanted him to let the Israelites go. In the coherent world, this makes Pharaoh’s sin irrelevant and him technically innocent as well by the blatant coercion and manipulation he suffered at god’s hand.  But lets be good Christians or whatever and give this god the benefit of the doubt.  Let’s assume that indeed the Egyptians were evil and all, running around blowing up Regional Trade Centers, driving goat herds with bombs tied to them into Jewish auction houses, hijacking camel caravans to Mecca, keeping Jews as slaves to build their cities, etc. We obviously have some issues of corruption in the leadership of the country.  A rogue nation like that could after all, get out of control and threaten our more conventional lifestyle or worse yet, our religion!


So, the supposedly perfect, all knowing, all loving, all powerful, Father in heaven, creator god of love – in order to prove a point – punishes the entire country, men, women, children, animals, wildlife, and natural resources alike in what would be considered cruel and inhuman punishment and prohibited under the Geneva Convention?  That sounds more like a vengeful, to be feared, insecure, tyrant asshole of ungodly proportions. Those seem more like the antics of say … the George W. Bush administration.


But back to the story…



But against any of the children of Israel shall not a dog move his tongue, against man or beast: that ye may know how that the LORD doth put a difference between the Egyptians and Israel.


Lets not even address the narrow-minded, racist, hateful nature of this holy statement; but rather let us ponder in amazement the many reasons god has given the rest of the surrounding communities to hate the Jews and why.




And the LORD said unto Moses, Pharaoh shall not hearken unto you; that my wonders may be multiplied in the land of Egypt.


And Moses and Aaron did all these wonders before Pharaoh: and the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go out of his land.


Here we go again. These thugs are threatening to kill the first-born of every Egyptian family or livestock and the “lord” hardens Pharaoh’s heart so he will not comply with the demand so that god can show how kick-ass he is by killing the first born of all Egypt.  That is for all intensive purposes, instigation to war, mass murder, gross crimes against nature, and on and on we could go with the list of atrocities perpetrated not in god’s name but by god against an entire nation.


As I read the sickening lines, I cannot help but wonder what I was thinking the many years that I would have gladly given up everything or anything for a religion that backs this crap up.


Genesis Chapter 12


In preparation for one of the largest mass murders in history with the exception of Noahs flood of course, god tells Moses to tell his cronies that on the 10th of the month, they are all to pick out a yearling lamb or goat.  The yearling they pick out has to be without blemish – so show quality livestock only used and one per Jewish household. On the 14th of the month, they are all to kill their baby lambs or goats that evening and smear the blood on the head and jambs of their front doorway.



And they shall take of the blood, and strike it on the two side posts and on the upper door post of the houses, wherein they shall eat it.


They Are further instructed to cook the little critter over a fire and eat it with unleavened bread and bitter herbs. Now no boiling or baking allowed - the little bugger needs to roast over fire because this of course affects the angel of death as he only skips houses with blood on the door AND roasted lamb for dinner.

Moses goes on to tell everyone that they need to burn whatever they don’t eat that night but no leftovers for the Egyptians.  Oh yeah, and they need to eat dressed to travel because they will be getting the hell out of Egypt that night and nobody wants to wait for a Jewish Princess to primp before she goes on a trip.



And the blood shall be to you for a token upon the houses where ye are: and when I see the blood, I will pass over you, and the plague shall not be upon you to destroy you, when I smite the land of Egypt.


So, god explains to Moses that the blood on the doorways is a sign for him to pass by and not kill the first-born in that house because his omnipotence is somewhat flawed in the sense that he just cant seem to remember which of his creations are Jews and which Egyptian.  But wait a minute, he didn’t create the Egyptians, Allah did.  OK, what the hell? Why exactly did he need to kill all the baby lambs? – Beside the pleasing sacrifice thing of course.  


It seems to me a god would be able to figure out who is a Jew and who is not when he goes on a first-born killing spree even if his omnipotence was in the quasi-omni stage of development.  However, it appears the god of Abraham, Isaac and Joseph graduated from god-school thanks to contacts and politics, but rumor has it he rode the little bus there and back every day.


The bible god goes on about how the children of Israel should observe the Passover every year and when to commemorate the deliverance from the first-bornicide he committed that evening in Egypt.



And it came to pass, that at midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle.


And Pharaoh rose up in the night, he, and all his servants, and all the Egyptians; and there was a great cry in Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead.


At this point, god couldn’t harden his heart enough for him to keep up his pace in the face of such horror.  Pharaoh gives in and tells Moses to take his people, their livestock and whatever else they want and get the hell out of Egypt.  All of Egypt was in ruins from an onslaught of unimaginable horror and the few Egyptians that were left standing were pretty much in Pharaoh’s face at this point, so the Israelites are free and they set out on their way to the Promised Land.


The lord goes on to further explain the whole Passover celebration and he gets into some interesting detail.



And the LORD said unto Moses and Aaron, This is the ordinance of the passover: There shall no stranger eat thereof:


But every man's servant that is bought for money, when thou hast circumcised him, then shall he eat thereof.


It appears that the Jews who were slaves, had slaves of their own. We cannot explain why it seems ok for the Jews to have slaves, yet when the Egyptians had Jewish slaves it was another story altogether.  Then we have this just god of Abraham saying that slaves of the Jews are ok to worship him at Passover as long as they had their Johnson trimmed at the tip.  He goes on some more about the whole Passover thing and they start the 600 thousand man march out of Egypt after 430 years of slavery.


Yet again we see how our current society is indeed god-like.  Take nuclear weapons for example. It is ok for the U.S. to have them because it is the U.S. - hell the inventor of the atom bomb. But about the time a backward-ass, heathenistic, non-Christian, country even thinks about harnessing nuclear energy to produce electricity, it merits almighty smite.  The god of Abraham would definitely be proud.



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Power of Fear
Abraham & Isaac
The Creation
Adam & Eve
Evolution vs. Creation
Cain & Abel
Noah's Ark
The Tower of Babel
The Story of Moses
Moses Parts The Red Sea
Sodom & Gomorra
Jonah and The Whale
Samson & Delilah
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