The Story of Adam & Eve

After 7 long days of creating the earth and resting for a spell, god has everything set exactly the way he wants it. The plants are growing, a mist rises from the earth to water everything and everything is looking pretty hunky-dory until god realizes that there is no man to till the earth.(Gen 2:5)


Nobody addresses the reason god didn’t just incorporate some tilling mechanism into the works or why it was so important, but he decided that he better create man from the dust of the earth to take care of that particular chore. 


Bible chronology puts this blessed event at around 3924 BCE or roughly 6000 years ago. This makes for a pretty lame argument when what we have is a book that we know has been tampered with, altered and not to mention translated thousands of times losing unimaginable amounts of information in the translation that says everything including the Universe was created 6000 years ago.  There is solid evidence with the tangible remains to prove it that humans inhabited the earth up to 200,000 years ago and anatomically modern ones 130,000 years ago. There is evidence – not hearsay from a deluded old man but actual bones of hominids up to 7 million years old.  So just in the name of fairness, lets assume a day to god is 1000 years on earth as some say – that still puts the creation of the universe at 13000 years ago.  Come on now – we have this grey blob of goop in our head cavity that actually comes in handy when we use it.  Think about it.



And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.


And the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.


And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.


So god plants this big ass garden because that’s a lot of different plants and trees and among every tree in existence, god plants the tree of knowledge of good and evil.


Moses goes on to tell us about the rivers that run through and out of the garden, but I just haven’t figured out why that was relevant information and worth taking up so many verses in this all important book. However, now we know there were some rivers with funny names just in case we run out of celebrities or human rights activists to name streets after. 


The garden was quite the place with gold, bdellium and onyx which god seemed to approve of at the time. This of course changes later in Moses’ lifetime when his cronies build this calf out of the gold stuff, but that’s another story.  The important thing here is that god tells Adam that he can eat anything he wants out of the garden - he has given Adam a veritable smorgasbord for his culinary and pallet indulgence - except of course, the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.  For some twisted reason god led Adam to believe this tree was toxic, but then maybe there are metaphors used in the bible after all.



But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.


Again, the loving father sets his children up to fail by placing something he – being all knowing – knows they will eat to their detriment. In addition, being the hell fire and damnation kind of person he is, he throws in the drama of “eat and die” to add effect.


As god watches Adam putting around the garden, tilling and eating, he says maybe it is not such a good idea that man be alone. I had better make a helpmeet for him.


So, on this quest for a helpmeet, god springs every animal and bird out of the ground and brings them all to Adam to be named.



And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.


And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.


This becomes a bit disturbing because again we are faced with the glitches in god’s omnipotence.  Surely, god knew Adam was not going to find a socially acceptable not to mention attractive wife among the cattle and the beasts - and the birds - not a chance. “Come on baby, don’t fly away I just want to cuddle and talk”


Who really wrote this shit?


As god recovers from  what Moses portrays as a pretty seriously hazy moment, he shakes it off and causes a deep sleep to come over Adam and he removes a rib from him, closes him back up and makes Adam his wife to be, out of this rib and delivers her to him. 


Gen. 1:27 says that “god created man, male and female created he them” so now the literal Bible is saying just one chapter later;  “well, not exactly, what actually happened was god made man who got lonely so then god figured what the hell, Ill create helpmeet person to keep him company. So which account is the inspired one? Did he create them male and female as a co-creation or, did he create the macho dude first and then whip up a rib-chick-afterthought to keep his Adamness company and satisfied? These are important social questions if we are taking this thing as the literal word of god.


The question beckons – why a rib? If god made man out of the dust and all the animals out of the dust, why did he make Adams wife out of a surgical procedure extracting a bone vs. just whipping up another dust puppet sans the penis?  While there are several schools of thought on the matter, it strikes me that none of them make any more sense than the original story anyway, so I suppose deep theological analysis is irrelevant.  I mean regardless of where god pulled the raw materials from, the end result was pretty right on – in spite of how this ridiculous story plays out.


Adam having been in naming mode for what had to be a hell of a long time to name all the animals and birds, was not overly creative when it came to his helpmeet and called her woman because she came from man. Deep Adam – very profound.  In hindsight, had he spent a few days with her before he started labeling, he would have had a plethora to draw from. This is where god probably showed great wisdom because many adjectives would have become nouns had Adam gotten to know everything before he named it.


Moses skips the details of the first wedding ever and just jumps to the part where the man and his wife were naked and were not ashamed.  Ashamed of what would be my first question. Exactly how bad did god screw up the design that they should have been ashamed? Even so, isn’t that god’s fault? Adam did not have much to do with it and his still unnamed helpmeet certainly was not to blame for that screw up – she came in at the end of the design phase. Ashamed? Moses is implying that there is reason to be ashamed of our bodies that god supposedly designed and fabricated out of dust and ribs in his own damn image. Frankly that’s quite the feat, I would think anyone would be quite proud of that. What is there to be ashamed of?


Among the many creatures god created, the snake or at least one in particular has exceptional communication and reasoning skills. The snake being the crafty bastard it is bumps into Adam’s yet to be worthy of a name wife and strikes up a conversation like snakes do in enchanted gardens.  Mornin’ your husband calls me “snake” what are you? “He calls me woman, but I hate it. In a couple of verses, if he thinks he is getting any tonight, he will give me a proper feminine name that labels me as an individual and denotes my rank on earth within a gender that will somehow descend from my incestual children – but that’s kind of creepy and I don’t want to think about that now.  How are you snake?”  She says with a smile.


Lets assume that the snake could somehow enunciate intelligibly in Adamic or whatever language Adam and his wife were created already speaking fluently – and lets assume Adam’s wife actually stuck around to talk to it. I’m sure they chewed the fat, got to know each other and suddenly wham! - The snake tempts her and tells her to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.  Now the she-rib says, “Oh dear snake, I can’t eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil for if I do I will surely die.”  Not one to lose a debate, the snake counters quickly with “You won’t die, but you will be as gods, knowing good from evil – trust me, you won’t die. Even the damned snake knew about god’s tendency to refer to himself in plural. (After all “gods” would imply a polytheistic reality so we would all much rather just think god has a slight touch of multiple personality syndrome or maybe he was just a Gemini.)      


This snake was pretty convincing because he actually talked the she-rib into eating the “forbidden fruit”.  Now what happened next has come to plague and haunt womankind for the last 6000 years, and unless we wake up and see the stories for the STORIES they are could continue to do so for another 6 or so thousand. (Gen. 3)



And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.


Now their eyes are open – they know good from evil – but notice nobody dies.  However almost as bad, they do notice:

Holy shit your shmekl is showing Adam! Good god almighty – your …unshmekl is showing woman!  And with that, they run to the nearest fig tree and make themselves aprons with fig leaves to cover their horrible, horrible very recently discovered nudity that god so absent mindedly cursed them with in his terribly flawed design.


So, god was hanging out in this new garden he planted because it seems among the billions of stars and solar systems, it’s the cool place to hang out.  Adam hearing god as he meandered along hid himself because apparently now he knows god screwed up and forgot to whip up some shmekl duds to hide their uglies.  “Crap woman, its god and he is going to see us naked – we will hide under this gods-eye-proof plant” And they did.

For an all seeing, all knowing god, this one is either, affected by the mist in the garden or the plant Adam hid under really was god’s-eye-proof because …



And the LORD god called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?


Adam knew good from evil now so he couldn’t very well fake his voice and say “Adam’s not here” so he bucks up and climbs out from under the magic bush and says “holy shit dude, you scared me. I heard you walking around, saw I was naked and hid in the bushes.”

Again, obviously new at omnipotence, god says who the hell told you, you were naked? Did you go and eat from that tree I told you not to?  The irritation in god’s voice must have been very evident and being the vengeful god, the god to be feared he is, Adam obviously lost composure, threw gallantry and protocol to the wind and in a very un-cavalier way, points strait at the she-rib with his index finger …



And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.


As a dude myself, I find Adams reaction extremely annoying. If I was the almighty smite-er, I would have smitten him there and then. First he tries to insinuate that its god’s fault with the whole “you gave me the bitch” attitude, and then he shifts it to her, knowing god would see through the first attempt and says “she did it and yes, I ate” as he bows his head in defeat and shame. What is up with that? The founder of the human race is a bona-fide pussy! The “woman” did not have a gun, they just figured out they were naked, so she was not threatening to hold out on him; he just rolled over on her and threw her naked ass under the god-bus. What a guy this “father Adam”!


At this point god looks at the still unnamed woman and says “what the hell have you gone and done?” to which she replies – very smoothly and true to form I might add – the snake bedazzled me with his smooth talking way and tricked me into eating and well… I did eat. But can I just tell you, that is one good fruit, I mean you could eat it as an appetizer, an entrée or a desert, its delicious and believe me it would go good with a roasted duck, turkey, pork or beef.  I mean talk about versatile and did I mention delicious? Why I can’t think of a wine that wouldn’t be complimented by its … SILENCE! exclaims god as Adam does the first eye-roll in biblical history.


By this time god is developing his soon to become legendary wrath, and he looks at the snake that apparently has more human qualities than herpetological qualities since he not only talks but also stuck around to satisfy a morbid curiosity about how this would all go down. As god’s vein in his forehead began to bulge, he said to the snake, “because you have done this you will be cursed over all the animals and you will slither around on your belly and eat dust. The woman’s seed will stomp your head and you will just bruise its heel.” The snake, being the smart-ass that he obviously was, said under his breath “what, did you just join this party? You just described my lame ass, you didn’t curse me. You cursed me in the design phase asshole” as he slithered away looking for heels to bruise.


Having heard the snake’s mumblings god is in less than a jolly mood as he looks at the woman and says, “Because you listened to a snake and ate the fruit, I am going to make your child bearing unbearable.  What’s more, I am going to make the whole process a hormonal mess and every month you don’t stay barefoot and pregnant, I’m going to make you unbearable to everyone around you. On top of that, I am going to make you subject to your husband and he is going to rule over your every move and keep you suppressed in the soon to be society”.  Now we know god was acting out of anger and probably just learning how to put the fear of …him in humanity when he cursed the woman because it was an exceptionally chauvinistic, not very well thought out curse that really showed some less than brilliant true colors of a relatively new god.  In his defense, he does mature as time goes on.  Later on in biblical history, people do terrible things, murder, mass corruption, etc. far worse than eat an apple, and god just smites them, obliterates the people involved and their cities, puts them in bondage or thrusts them into his famous lakeside resort – Brimstone Volcanic Park.  But at this point he has a couple of things working against him – he is new to the god scene and he is pissed as hell. The woman eats a little fruit and she and every woman from then to the end of humanity is cursed for one simple mistake. It hardly seems fair or the works of a loving, just god, a father in heaven or a god of peace, but who am I to question the infallibility of the holy bible?


Wait, god is not through yet. After cursing the snake, divinely and eternally messing with the woman and all womankind, he still has the wimp Adam to deal with.


By now god, is starting to feel that whole theory that Kung-fu Tzu would so eloquently share with humanity some time later about how a wasp cannot sting without feeling the effect of his own venom. By the time god gets around to Adam, he does not have the same piss and vinegar he did with the snake and the she-rib.  “Because you were lured by the evil temptress of a wife I made you, hmmm, your going to have to till… no you already do that…you will have to sweat when you till damn you! And you will have to work for your food, and dust to dust when you die.”  


The bible doesn’t give the account but you know the woman is standing there with an incredulous look on her face thinking “what the hell? he makes me all hormonal, bloody, moody, water retentive and I have to pass a 10 pound baby through a 2 inch hole and this asshole gets to sweat?!!!”


Adam is not totally devoid of manhood and gallantry as is evident in verse 20 where many scholars concur the first booby prize in humanity is awarded. – Named by the way, after the woman’s breasts – the woman FINALLY gets a name!



And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.


Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them.


Adam and Eve (and may I just say how nice it is to finally be able to refer to her by a name rather than the blatantly implied “she-rib” or the literally bestowed “The Woman”.) after this very traumatic event are now cast out of the garden of Eden and into the Lone and Dreary World.  Fortunately, for them either god was tired or he had not created his brimstone fire resort yet where he will threaten to throw everyone after them that dares to screw up when he throws crap in to trip them up.


Suddenly god remembers that he had planted this other tree in the garden called the tree of life. Obviously Adam knew about it because Adam named all the plants and animals so god says, “oh crap, I can’t have Adam eating that fruit too or he will live forever in his dreadful sinful state having eaten the fruit I told him not to eat but put right in his path just to test him failing miserably”.  However, here we get back into that polytheistic controversy again and I don’t know what to think.  The mainstream Christian majority are adamant about there being one god and only one god.  The notion of multiple gods will get a person stoned in the modern day Bible belt. Hell you want to give a born-again a cardiac episode, make the argument that there may be multiple gods to this planet, and yet their very own and beloved good book says:



And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:


I figure it is the multiple personality psycho thing, he is a Gemini or there is more than one god.  Nevertheless, back to the story…


We aren’t sure why god doesn’t just light the old Sodom and Gomorrah torch to the garden and just poof it into oblivion; but he recruits Cherubim and a flaming sword to guard the tree of life just in case Adam gets any stupid hair-brained ideas of going back to try to eat more forbidden fruit. I don’t know what this Cherubim dude did to deserve that shit detail, but I can only assume his wages were on the low end of the heavenly-being union scale to get stuck guarding a vacant never to be seen again garden. 


At this point god has found the hiding couple, discovered that they ate the fruit he put there but told them not to eat just to see if they would, cursed and smote the offending parties. Then he tailored custom skins to clothe the pair, cast their sorry asses out, posted a guard at the tree of life with a burning sword, was pissed off, tired and had a holy migraine and said:

“I’m going back to heaven to get some Tylenol.”


If the bible stories teach us character building lessons, morality to live by and the way god wants us to conduct ourselves, our lives and to teach our children, then society is right on track.  I don’t see why people think we are going to hell in a hand basket when we as a society are just adhering to the holy bible and its omni-whatever-the-hell teachings. Somewhere we deludedly came up with the notion of ‘assumption of responsibility when first in command’ – “the buck stops here” crap which is apparently just human contrived bullshit. God’s word makes it clear – pass the buck, point fingers and the little guy be damned, then let the more vulnerable of the parties take the next wave of blows so by the time it gets to the top, all the underlings have softened the blow for “the man”.   Sounds like the status quo of this planet to me.



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Power of Fear
Abraham & Isaac
The Creation
Adam & Eve
Evolution vs. Creation
Cain & Abel
Noah's Ark
The Tower of Babel
The Story of Moses
Moses Parts The Red Sea
Sodom & Gomorra
Jonah and The Whale
Samson & Delilah
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