The Creation

Oh, if ever there was a story that caused more controversy, argument and contention among the whole of humanity, it has to be this one. The story of the creation and Adam and Eve as told by Moses in the book of Genesis has been a foundational principle on which all faith has been erected concerning the origin of our planet and humanity.  While this age-old favorite is so far-fetched that it boggles the mind, how anyone with a brain the size of a pea could take it literally – they do. Even in an age where evolution of the world (God’s creations) is undeniable and conclusive, mainstream Christianity has conducted a relentless holy war on the “theory of evolution” from the day Darwin set foot on that dreaded set of Islands called the Galapagos.  Heaven forbid we allow the possibility that god or Moses may have been using metaphor. It’s not like the Bible isn’t at all replete with any of that.


So, we watch the zealots wage the holy war in the courts, the classrooms and the churches with narrow-minded tenacity that would make a pissed off pit-bull look like … well, what lots of these people say Jesus wants them to be.  Hence, the ongoing struggle to this day between the creationists and the evolutionists as each faction has come to be known, leaving in their wake a load of crap for me to plant my mushrooms on.


“In the beginning, God created the heaven and earth”, (Gen 1:1) which is an excellent place to start if you want to reside in heaven.  What we aren’t sure of because it was probably edited out in the holy editing room, is just where god moved from when he moved into his newly created heavenly digs. Logic does dictate that god had to live somewhere before he built heaven in the beginning. However, what really messes with my brain is the gnawing inquiry of what “the beginning” was called before he started.  Hmm… in the “pre-beginning” god wanted a bigger place in a better neighborhood so he decided to start construction as soon as the heavenly plans were approved. Real estate in the infinite was available and cheap with all the materials needed to build your own firmament and stuff, so he broke …space in the “beginning”.



And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.


And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.


And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.


And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.


As we see, god pretty much made the earth, hooked up the lights and made day and night the first day on the job. Not a bad first day at work at all. And we say Mondays aren’t productive.


The next morning, god gets to work on the firmament.  He created the firmament to divide the “waters from the waters” so he had these waters above the firmament and some below it.  The firmament, he called heaven and that’s all he did the second day. (Gen 1:6-8)


Wednesday morning god has a spring in his step because he has to make up for some fiddle farting around on Tuesday that affected productivity. He takes the waters under heaven, gathers them in one place, and makes the dry land appear.  Since we don’t have a set of “as-built” documents available to us for this job, we aren’t sure where the dry land came from because on Tuesday there was just water and heaven or firmament; but we do know that by Wednesday, he had dry land in the final stages and was ready for landscaping.  Being the owner/architect and general contractor on the job, he decided to call the water seas and the land earth – and he saw it was pretty right on.


Making up for lost time on Tuesday, god tackles the landscaping – I’m guessing by lunch, because there is a bunch of landscaping to do on the earth part.  By quitting time, he had every plant yielding seed and every tree bearing fruit; and being the humble guy he is, he said, “its good”.  I say Goddamn! That’s a hell of a third day. (Gen 1:9-13)



By Thursday, he is getting into the groove and productivity is on the rise. Undaunted by the enormity of the task; first, he sets lights in the firmament, one to rule the day and one to rule the night. But these lights aren’t any ordinary earth mood lighting fixtures, they are luminary control modules, cosmic road signs, seasonal control devices and they tell time!



And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:


But not one to be easily satisfied, he doesn’t stop at the sun and the moon, hell it’s barely his 10 o’clock break – he’s just getting started.



And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.


Holy shit! I recently watched a special on the discovery channel and they were showing how small our earth was compared to the single relatively small star we call the sun. But then they showed an estimate of how many millions of suns with their myriad of planetary gravitational cohorts there are in our galaxy alone – mind boggling! Then they went on to say how many billions of galaxies there are in the universe and my brain shut down.


This verse is single-handedly the most awesome of the entire Bible! He knocked out all those stars the discovery channel told me about in the last part of his Thursday!  Now if god had a boss, he would want to know why the hell he was screwing around so much on Monday, Tuesday and Wed.  If he had worked those days like he did on Thursday, he would have finished by Wednesday, and we would have a 4 day weekend.


Friday morning god says “let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life and foul that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.” This proves without a doubt that birds came from the ocean, we just figured it took longer than a day for them to move from flippers to wings, but that’s not important.  The important thing is that we now have sea creatures and birds on the earth.  God goes on to tell all these creatures he just whipped up, that they need to multiply and fill the seas and the skies. While it is impressive for anyone to throw together a whole population of whales and sea creatures and birds in a day, after the whole “all the stars” thing on Thursday, I have to say it was rather anticlimactic and bordering on disappointing.


Saturday is a special day, it’s the day we get animals and people.



And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.


And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.


As we know, he didn’t stop at all the cattle and creepy things-eth. He goes on in verse 26 to say:  “Let us make man in our own image after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.” And because we know the Bible is the holy literal end-all be-all, we have to assume that the holy editor in chief must have overlooked what I’m sure is a very uncomfortable issue for god that certainly he was hoping would have been edited out of his book before it went to press.  I am referring to his very odd tendency to refer to himself in plural like suddenly there is someone else there. Unfortunately the bloopers of the bible are somewhere in a vault in the Vatican or a granite mountain in Utah. However, I was told that when Moses was given the 10 commandments, it took him a long time to get off the mountain because he kept trying to figure out when god was talking to him and when he was talking to the bushes that weren’t on fire.


Anyway, god creates man in his/their (wink, wink) own image – male and female, and he gave them dominion over the beasts and the fish and the birds and the plants and their fruit. And god blessed them and commanded them to “multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it”. Unfortunately god didn’t clarify the whole concept of subdue and it was left pretty wide open which is why we have some issues with extinction of some of the species he went to all the trouble to create on Saturday. The whole global warming, carbon footprint thing is over-subduing but he forgot to say how much we should subdue – so its really his own damn fault.  But that’s what he did on Saturday, and true to form he stepped back, looked around and just said “it’s good.”


And that was the sixth day.


Now the evolutionist or “heathen” crowd ask how do you do all that in 6 days. And that is a very good question that again if we only had the “as-built” documents to this project of his or had god been just a wee tad clearer in his writing, we could avoid all the contention.


The creationist crowd says – he is god and omnipotent and he can do everything and all things, so it’s easy, he willed it done and it was. Simple, concise and to the point - Nicely done, and who wants to argue with such stunning logic?


The secret truth and the answer to any questions about the creation is simple – heavenly methamphetamine.


It’s the only thing that makes sense. How else do you explain staying up for a week strait, getting unimaginable amounts of things done and sleeping the whole day after? Think about it. I think that Bible god might have a drug problem.


Click on the link to go to The Story of Adam & Eve or go to the nav bar and select a story.


|Home| |Power of Fear| |Introduction| |Abraham & Isaac| |The Creation| |Adam & Eve| |Evolution vs. Creation| |Cain & Abel| |Noah's Ark| |The Tower of Babel| |The Story of Moses| |Moses Parts The Red Sea| |Sodom & Gomorra| |Jonah and The Whale| |Samson & Delilah| |Conclusion| |Download|

Power of Fear
Abraham & Isaac
The Creation
Adam & Eve
Evolution vs. Creation
Cain & Abel
Noah's Ark
The Tower of Babel
The Story of Moses
Moses Parts The Red Sea
Sodom & Gomorra
Jonah and The Whale
Samson & Delilah
e-mail me