In the book of Judges, in chapter 13 we read about the legendary Samson and his god-given, super-hero strength.Our story unfolds at a time where the Israelites are again straying from the will of god and due to their wickedness, the god of Abraham, Isaac & Jacob, offers them up as slaves again, this time to the Philistines for about 40 years.
And there was a certain man of Zorah, of the family of the Danites, whose name was Manoah; and his wife was barren, and bare not.
And the angel of the LORD appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now, thou art barren, and bearest not: but thou shalt conceive, and bear a son.
This news is a godly favorite to drop on old barren women, it has such a controversial effect on the rest of their lives and yet they get so little mention for being the bearer and conduit of god’s plots.So the angel goes on to instruct the woman…
For, lo, thou shalt conceive, and bear a son; and no razor shall come on his head: for the child shall be a Nazarite unto God from the womb: and he shall begin to deliver Israel out of the hand of the Philistines
“The woman” is minding her own business probably getting lunch ready or picking out a young unblemished baby lamb to brutalize, torture and incinerate for that evenings offering to god, when this angel pops in and tells her she is about to have a child.Apparently, god is not involved with the insemination in this case, which makes her life and pregnancy a lot easier to explain than a certain Mary who comes along some time later.The angel goes on to tell the woman that she and the child should avoid strong drink and unclean food.
A Nazarite is a Jew that takes the ascetic vow as described inNumbers 6:1-21 that requires the person to abstain from wine, grapes, raisins, wine vinegar and alcohol, refrain from cutting the hair on ones head and avoid corpses and graves. So, not only will she be having a child but it will come with a long list of thou shalts and thou shalt nots so he can be the lords instrument in freeing the Israelites from the Philistines.
The woman runs to tell her husband about the encounter and what the ghostly messenger had said.Manoah, prays to god to ask that he allow the messenger to come back and give them more information on how they are to raise this child and what to do with him, which he does.
Manoah wants to honor the messenger and name the kid after him and have him stay to a feast but the messenger – not wanting to steal any thunder and well aware of the consequences if he did - tells the couple they should thank god and leave him out of it.
So Manoah took a kid with a meat offering, and offered it upon a rock unto the LORD: and the angel did wonderously; and Manoah and his wife looked on.
For it came to pass, when the flame went up toward heaven from off the altar, that the angel of the LORD ascended in the flame of the altar. And Manoah and his wife looked on it, and fell on their faces to the ground.
What exactly the angel did so wondrously is a biblical mystery but if he is anything like his boss, he was getting off on the “sweet savour” of burning innocent flesh.While it is mere speculation, one can only imagine what an aroused angel does when the heavenly aphrodisiac of burnt offering is in the air.Whatever it was, it was wondrous as he danced some ethereal smoke dance as he rose through the flames and the smoke into heaven in a conspicuous display of theatrics never to be seen again.
And the woman bare a son, and called his name Samson: and the child grew, and the LORD blessed him.
In chapter 14 Samson is maturing and his hormones are raging …
And Samson went down to Timnath, and saw a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines.
And he came up, and told his father and his mother, and said, I have seen a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines: now therefore get her for me to wife.
Samson’s parents are cautious in their approach because their kid can and likely has beat the crap out of both of them in a tantrum. However, as concerned parents they try to persuade Samson to date a nice clean Jewish princess of circumcisional decent rather than a dirty Philistine from an uncircumcised father to no avail.
Then went Samson down, and his father and his mother, to Timnath, and came to the vineyards of Timnath: and, behold, a young lion roared against him.
And the spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid, and he had nothing in his hand: but he told not his father or his mother what he had done.
Apparently Samson’s parents were off sight seeing on this trip to Timnath and they somehow didn’t hear the roar of the lion or its screams and cries as Samson kills it with his bare hands, but he sure taught that damn cat a lesson for daring to roar at him.
And he went down, and talked with the woman; and she pleased Samson well.
It appears you get to try before you buy – or marry as the case may be – and the woman did it for our hero and pleased him so what the hell, the wedding was on.
And after a time he returned to take her, and he turned aside to see the carcase of the lion: and, behold, there was a swarm of bees and honey in the carcase of the lion.
And he took thereof in his hands, and went on eating, and came to his father and mother, and he gave them, and they did eat: but he told not them that he had taken the honey out of the carcase of the lion.
These are telling verses to the open minded biblical scholar as we can see that Samson was without doubt plagued by some type of mental disorder.This condition could be the result of his over stimulated pituitary gland and steroid production, but we can only speculate with the limited information available.What is incontrovertible is the fact that only a deranged mind would allow a guy to think it is somehow acceptable to harvest wild honey from inside a stinking, rotten, decaying lion corpse self-pickling in the sun that he happened to kill several months before.Having had some apicultural experience myself, I know a hive takes several weeks to become established and produce honey.So that smelly lion road kill had been festering for a long ass time, steeping in its own juices and slowly dehydrating and breaking down with the help of numerous birds, animals and insects to the point that bees saw it as a viable hive.The bees stake their homestead claim to the remains and before you know it, they have honey oozing out of every feline orifice calling to Samson as he passes by to harvest and so generously share with everyone.It is absolutely no wonder he chose not to share where the honey came from because the whole scenario is absolutely disgusting even for a mentally challenged brute like our hero.
So his father went down unto the woman: and Samson made there a feast; for so used the young men to do.
And it came to pass, when they saw him, that they brought thirty companions to be with him.
The wedding feast begins and as tradition dictates, Samson gets thirty groomsmen assigned to him.It is safe to assume that tensions at the feast are high since we have an inter-racial marriage taking place, all the groomsmen are Philistines and not friends of Samson’s or his family and there was likely some jockeying for position and pissing order in true macho fashion where testosterone rules and women are referred to as “the woman”.
And Samson said unto them, I will now put forth a riddle unto you: if ye can certainly declare it me within the seven days of the feast, and find it out, then I will give you thirty sheets and thirty change of garments:
But if ye cannot declare it me, then shall ye give me thirty sheets and thirty change of garments. And they said unto him, Put forth thy riddle, that we may hear it.
And he said unto them, Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness. And they could not in three days expound the riddle.
So the thirty groomsmen are perplexed by this riddle for days and on the verge of losing 30 sheets of fine linen and 30 changes of clothing so they go to the bride and say “find the answer to that damn riddle or we will burn your house down with you and your father in it”.With this motivational proposition before her, she approaches Samson in tears and asks him why he has put a riddle before her people and has not told her the answer.Samson replies with “are you nuts? I haven’t even told my parents, and you think I’m going to tell you, a nameless female.” So, she bellyached, cried and pouted for the 7 days the party lasted driving Samson nuts.Gender dynamics haven’t changed that much so chances are she was holding out on him which is the unbeatable female secret weapon that drove him to tell her the answer to the damn riddle which she readily shared with her country folk to save her own hide and home.
And the men of the city said unto him on the seventh day before the sun went down, What is sweeter than honey? and what is stronger than a lion? And he said unto them, If ye had not plowed with my heifer, ye had not found out my riddle.
Whether he was going to get any or not, Samson was pissed as can be appreciated by his reference to his wife as a heifer.So as Samson contemplates his reality, he is faced with a wife that betrayed him throwing him under the bus to save her own ass, a considerable debt to 30 guys he doesn’t know or like, and he isn’t even into the first month of his marriage.
And the spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men of them, and took their spoil, and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle. And his anger was kindled, and he went up to his father's house.
Here we see how god clearly illustrates that is not only OK, but his spirit will “come upon” you if you lose a bet by deception and find yourself killing 30 innocent people in order to plunder their belongings and pay your debt as well as appease your own bruised ego.I find this information and doctrine to be somewhat justificatory in nature for a lot of people that are currently in prison on death row when it appears they should just be beatified and written into more bible stories.What the … hell?
But Samson's wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend.
In this verse, we see the narcissistic side of Samson as he gives his supposed friend the deceitful, untrustworthy, chicken-shit excuse of a wife as if his friend had done something to piss Samson off too.I understand dumping the woman, but why would you dump on a friend?
In chapter 15, Samson starts feeling the need to relieve some sexual tension and he tries to “visit his wife with a kid.”I sincerely hope the word kid is used interchangeably between child and baby goat throughout the bible or things are sicker than I first perceived.We will take the high road and assume that that is the case and he wanted to impregnate her and not engage in weird acts of bestiality with her and a goat.Either way, her father told Samson, “no way big guy, you hate her and I gave her to your buddy.Her sister is better looking anyway. Why don’t you take her instead?” In spite of the contradiction regarding who actually gave the woman to his friend, this frustrating scenario enrages the steroidal Samson who now feels justified in some vengeance. Being the psychologically challenged guy he was, he comes up with one of the sickest, strangest, most logistically complicated, hair-brained ideas to get his revenge.Our hero somehow rounds up three hundred foxes, tied torches to their tails and let them loose in the Philistine’s corn fields, vineyards and olive orchards burning them to the ground.What the loving, caring bible fails to account for is the well-being or fate of the innocent foxes that had burning torches tied to their tails and were used as incendiary delivery devices of guerilla warfare in a very troubling manner.Just why Samson or his heavenly puppeteer felt that innocent people’s crops and livelihood deserved to be burned to the ground because he was denied a bit of Philistine booty is mind-boggling.
Then the Philistines said, Who hath done this? And they answered, Samson, the son in law of the Timnite, because he had taken his wife, and given her to his companion. And the Philistines came up, and burnt her and her father with fire.
The Philistines did not screw around. Samson burns their crops, they in turn burn “the woman”, and her dad to make sure Samson gets the message that burning crops is not cool in their neck of the desert.Logic would indicate that Samson would just figure she had it coming and move on to free the Israelites or some other holy duty of Nazarite nature.But that would make for poor drama and requires a healthy mind to process logic versus emotion driven by ego.
And Samson said unto them, Though ye have done this, yet will I be avenged of you, and after that I will cease.
And he smote them hip and thigh with a great slaughter: and he went down and dwelt in the top of the rock Etam.
Now, we are taught that it is also acceptable to god to kill a bunch of people if they are involved in killing your ex and her dad.But, Samson didn’t count on the Philistine’s wanting revenge and getting a small army together to go whoop Samson’s ass off his rock.
As the Philistines approach, the Israelites ask
Why are ye come up against us? And they answered, To bind Samson are we come up, to do to him as he hath done to us.
So with that, the Israelites send three thousand men up to Samson’s rock hangout and said “do you realize what you have done? The Philistines are our rulers and you have managed to royally piss them off. What are you doing to us?”Samson replied with a very calm “I just gave them back what they dished out.”
The Israelites informed Samson that they were going to tie him up and turn him over to the Philistines before things got out of control.Samson said he would go along with the plan as long as they promised not to kill him but just bind him and turn him over to the Philistines.
And they spake unto him, saying, No; but we will bind thee fast, and deliver thee into their hand: but surely we will not kill thee. And they bound him with two new cords, and brought him up from the rock.
Our hero is now turned over to the Philistines and they start to shout at him and get all riled up so “the spirit of the lord came mightily upon him” and he broke the ropes that bound him and …
And he found a new jawbone of an ass, and put forth his hand, and took it, and slew a thousand men therewith.
And Samson said, With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heaps, with the jaw of an ass have I slain a thousand men.
Again the heavenly puppeteer has his brain dead gargantuan thug slaughteranother 1000 men while gods spirit is upon him “mightily”.
Samson being the holy, righteous and upstanding member of society he is, with god’s spiritual and political endorsement, leads Israel for 20 years in the days of the Philistines.This of course gives the Jews a truly righteous role model to look up to and try to emulate along with the preceding series of whacko prophets god had thrown at these poor people throughout history.
In chapter 15, Samson is back to his plaguing condition of blue-ball that has gotten so many people killed in the past, but god in his wisdom shares with us all what to do when you are horny, and overcome with testosterone.
Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her.
Thank god for biblical whores because this woman saved countless lives by keeping Samson’s rocks on ice enough that he didn’t feel the spirit of god strengthening him so he could kill another thousand people.The holy handbook clearly indicates to all of us that when we feel angry and with a lot of pent up sexual energy, rather than kill people, we just need to find a whore.That is what so many evangelical mega-church preachers including Jesse Jackson have done and they get in trouble over it.Why is it that bible god seems to think Samson can do it and they can’t?
And it was told the Gazites, saying, Samson is come hither. And they compassed him in, and laid wait for him all night in the gate of the city, and were quiet all the night, saying, In the morning, when it is day, we shall kill him.
Well, Samson just got up at , yanked the doors of the city right off, posts and all, threw them on his shoulders and hiked up a hill and dumped them there in an act of taunting defiance.
And it came to pass afterward, that he loved a woman in the valley of Sorek, whose name was Delilah.
Even super heroes get bored with prostitutes, so Samson hooks up with Delilah.
And the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and said unto her, Entice him, and see wherein his great strength lieth, and by what means we may prevail against him, that we may bind him to afflict him: and we will give thee every one of us eleven hundred pieces of silver.
Even by today’s standard, that is a lot of silver. Delilah doesn’t waste any time interrogating Samson about what would counteract his strength.Samson was an idiot but he had enough grey matter to tease Delilah a bit so he told her that he could be bound with seven fresh bowstrings and he would have the strength of an ordinary man.So, the Philistines give her seven bow strings, and she ties Samson with them.
Now there were men lying in wait, abiding with her in the chamber. And she said unto him, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he brake the withs, as a thread of tow is broken when it toucheth the fire. So his strength was not known.
And Delilah said unto Samson, Behold, thou hast mocked me, and told me lies: now tell me, I pray thee, wherewith thou mightest be bound.
Any person with an IQ over 20 would say something along the lines of “to hell with you bitch! you tied me up thinking I couldn’t get away and had some guys in my bedroom waiting to kill me and you say I have mocked YOU?!”But as we know Samson is all but brain dead so he tells her that if he were bound with new ropes that have never been used, he will lose his strength.
Delilah therefore took new ropes, and bound him therewith, and said unto him, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And there were liers in wait abiding in the chamber. And he brake them from off his arms like a thread.
Now at this point, you just have to ask - what the f*#k?How is it that Samson is refraining from slaughtering all these home intruders and subsequently Delilah for setting him up and letting them in on his secret, not to mention his bedroom?But that is a logical view on very illogical matters so I won’t risk blowing a cerebral gasket trying to understand this crap, Ill just tell it.
And Delilah said unto Samson, Hitherto thou hast mocked me, and told me lies: tell me wherewith thou mightest be bound. And he said unto her, If thou weavest the seven locks of my head with the web.
Delilah doesn’t waste any time and ties seven of his locks together as he slept.Again, he is woken by Delilah announcing that he is about to be mobbed by the Philistines when he calmly undoes his hair and hopefully beats the crap out of whoever was hiding in his house to kill him by invitation of his beloved Delilah.
And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? thou hast mocked me these three times, and hast not told me wherein thy great strength lieth.
And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death;
Here god illustrates the incredible ability of women to nag a guy to death or just wear and beat him down until he just gives up and figures even death is better than any more of this shit to the point of unconditional surrender.
Samson tells Delilah that his hair is what gives him strength so she sends for the Philistines and they come running silver in hand while Delilah has Samson asleep in her lap and has his head shaved.
This time Samson wakes up to find that since his Nazarite oath has been broken, God has dumped his sorry ass and the philistines put out his eyes and made him grind wheat in prison.
Slowly but surely Samson’s hair grew back and one day as the Philistines gathered to make sacrifices to their god Dagon for delivering Samson to them, they had Samson brought to the temple to entertain them. The Philistines were extremely happy to finally catch Samson because he had killed over one thousand people at this point and was not very popular among them.
As the people taunt and make fun of him, Samson asks the boy that is leading him to place him against the pillars that hold up the roof of the temple to steady himself on.
Now the house was full of men and women; and all the lords of the Philistines were there; and there were upon the roof about three thousand men and women, that beheld while Samson made sport.
And Samson called unto the LORD, and said, O Lord GOD, remember me, I pray thee, and strengthen me, I pray thee, only this once, O God, that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes.
The god of vengeance, not about to lose out on some of his namesake, complies and grants Samson his final wish.Samson pushes the pillars out from under the roof causing the temple to collapse on top of him as he yells “Geronimo!” which interpreted means “let me die with the Philistines” or something along those lines.
And Samson said, Let me die with the Philistines. And he bowed himself with all his might; and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life.
And thus ends the tyrannical reign of Samson the brainless over the people of Judah as well as the slaughter of Philistines at his hand as guided by the god of Abraham, Isaac & whoever.
This muscle bound, brainless thug murders over 4000 people over stupid issues of pride and revenge, and the bible god not only strengthens him to do it, but prepared him from birth for these horrible acts of mass homicide.
There is no mention in the bible about what becomes of the now very wealthy Delilah, but this story does absolutely nothing to dispel the ongoing image created by this bible god and perpetuated in his holy handbook about the unflattering, second class nature of women which readily explains the moronic attitude still prevalent today thanks to this ridiculous book.
From the arrival ofEve, god has had a problem with women and his holy book makes that very obvious and hard to deny.It would appear that if indeed he is a male, he has had his share of relationship problems and it isn’t any wonder.Imagine the frustration of being married to bible god.The conversations at the dinner table would be material for a book in itself.So, Jehovah, how was your day?Oh I had a fine day today and I am very well pleased.I destroyed a city and totally psyched out a prophet today.Damn that was funny! You should have seen the look on their faces as the brimstone fell from the sky and seared their flesh.Ahh, those assholes wont soon forget who’s the man.” “Oh Jehovie-poo, do you really need to be so physical? When will you try it my way and get everyone together and talk to them, maybe help them see what they are doing wrong before you obliterate them?”“Hey woman, when you are god, you can do whatever you want, until then just fetch my dessert and keep your ideas to the League of Women in Heaven meetings.”
Bible god obviously does not credit women with a lot of intellect or leadership ability much to his demise.However, god-ette quietly tolerates and endures his chauvinistic ways knowing that in a divorce she won’t get shit, but if she just outlives him, she gets it all.Watching the outbursts of anger, destruction and spite that have dominated the first 4000 years of his tenure, she knows it is just a matter of time.It will not be long before his cholesterol catches up with him or all the fear and vengeance bring about some dreadful disease or demise by his own holy word – “he that lives by the sword shall die by the sword”.So, she patiently waits in abnegated servitude which is exceedingly pleasing in his sight – for now.